


Shift

by deaneatscake



Series: codas and stuff [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Dean visits the grief counsellor, Episode: s13e04 The Big Empty, M/M, because we all know he wants too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 22:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12617168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deaneatscake/pseuds/deaneatscake
Summary: This is a stupid idea. A stupid and dumb and all-around terrible idea. Dean realizes his mistake when it’s too late, the doorbell ringing in his hand, and he hasn’t even finished his thought about sprinting down the stairs and right into the bushes when Mia opens the door.





	Shift

This is a stupid idea. A stupid and dumb and all-around  _terrible_ idea. Dean realizes his mistake when it’s too late, the doorbell ringing in his hand, and he hasn’t even finished his thought about sprinting down the stairs and right into the bushes when Mia opens the door.

To her defense, she only frowns for a moment before breaking out an honest and open smile. “Hello, Dean,” she says and gestured him to come in. “You know where to go.” And that’s it, no pretense, no ‘what brings you here?’, she just –  _knows_. Dean takes a deep breath as he steps over the threshold.

He knows he should probably feel wary, at least a little bit; she’s one of the good guys, sure, but the thought of opening up to something – someone – they usually hunt still sends shivers down his spine. Not that he’s going to open up, no, because this is a  _mistake_ and the only reason he’s still here is because it would be rude to leave  _now_ , wouldn’t it?

Yes, the pain in his heart when Jack told him, almost whispering, about his ‘meeting’ with Kelly was the main reason for taking off after only a few hours of sleep (adamantly telling Sam to ‘not ask’ because he really doesn’t want to do lies but the truth doesn’t cut it here either).

But now, after driving for a few hours, he can think clearly again and see that this was dumb, that nothing and no one is going to bring Cas back, not even for a moment, and that he’s neither naive nor dumb enough to play pretend with a fucking shapeshifter.

“You want something? Tea? Coffee? A bottle of whiskey?” Mia asks when they arrive in the therapy room, nodding at the open flask in Dean’s pocket; the truth is, he had been drinking it on the drive, losing the cap in the process and well – it was empty anyway, so who cares, certainly not Dean.

“No, I’m – I’m good,” he says, trying to push the flask deep down into the pocket. Mia shrugs and sits down on one of the empty couches, prompting Dean to do the same.

And then – silence. She smiles at him, with one of these eerily calm smiles that only shrinks can really master, and he doesn’t know what to do or what to say – shouldn’t therapists lead this whole thing? Not that he’s expecting anything, any – catharsis either, or whatever. He clears his throat.

“So, um, thank you for, um, you know, saving our asses back there.”

Her smile doesn’t falter. “You’re welcome, Dean, but pardon me if I feel like this isn’t why you came here, is it? You’re still very upset. Do you want to talk about your mother? Because I know I’ve been harsh and thinking back I could see that it was hard for you to talk about it with your brother right next to you. I want to make up for it.”

Dean ignores the sting at the mention of her being harsh – because yes, she had been that but also honest, and it still sucks to acknowledge it – and before he knows it, the concept of her making up for anything is making him spill everything he didn’t want to say ever since he walked through that door. 

“No, it’s – not about her. I mean, it is, in a certain way, we really did lose her, but we also lost – more.  _I_  lost more.”

His throat is dry and he wonders what kind of witch craft this is, why he’s so close to crying already after stating facts, fucking  _facts_. He should have taken her offer for a drink.

“I see,” she says calmly, leaning forward ever so slightly. “And did you come here to – talk about it? Or cash in some favors – because  _god knows_ you earned them.”

There’s no doubt what she means by favors; he can already see Cas’ face before him, his confused squint and his ‘Dean’ and he could – he could touch him… she wouldn’t know, would she, he could tell her  _anything_  and he could touch his face and  _pretend_  for a moment and it would be –

“No,” he says, his voice cracking. “No favors.”

She just nods and for one time in his life, it’s the easiest thing to just continue talking like he hadn’t just spent the last few minutes thinking what a shit show this was.

“He was – um, well, I don’t actually know what he was. His name is Cas, and I didn’t – well, I didn’t do a lot of things. I’m not sure if talking about all of it is covered by my insurance,” he laughs dryly. “And well, I… I never said a proper goodbye. I mean, that’s what it’s like with  _all_ of these deaths you talk about, right? But for me – this was different. Because I said goodbye, a lot of times. You know, hunting business, it kind of gets tough but – I had so  _many_  chances. And I wasted them  _all_.”

There’s a tear rolling down his cheek but he’s afraid that if he’ll move he destroy the magic or whatever is holding him right now – comforting him through the pain and making him say things he’s never even  _thought_  about before.

“I’m not even sure  _what_ I wasted, you know, because it was all – it was never enough time, but also too much, and it was all just a mess, his whole death was a mess,  _I’m_  a mess, and I’m – I’m not okay,” he finishes. His throat is burning now and he feels like he’s about to puke. That was a whole bunch of nonsense the sinister voice inside his head tells him but looking at Mia, that doesn’t seem to be the case at all.

“I’m so sorry,” she says, “For your loss. It’s hard to lose someone you loved so much.”

“I never did.”

She frowns. “Excuse me?”

“I mean, I never – I never said… shit.” He runs his hand over his face, rubbing his temples. The next words come out in a rush, like a sucker punch: “I never said I loved him.”

And that’s the truth there, but not just the kind of fact-stating truth but the soul-crushing one that has been buried for what feels like years. “Because you know, if you say something like this, you have to follow up. And –”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want, Dean,” she says softly.

“Yeah, but I  _wanted_  to.”

It’s useless to even try to hold back his tears now; he can’t remember the last time he cried publicly, actually bawling his eyes out, and it figures that it was his luck to do it on the couch of a therapist slash shapeshifter because he couldn’t do it like a normal person in the safety of his room, buried under so many bottles of whiskey that he couldn’t remember it afterwards.

There’s a weight next to him as Mia settles down on his couch. “I’m sorry,” she repeats.

“Would you –” Dean asks before he can think better of it – he doesn’t actually expect her to  _get_  it but she does, of course.

“Do you have a picture of him?”

He does, yes – a lot of pictures from a disgruntled Cas staring everywhere but the camera when he was trying to get a proper ID picture but these wouldn’t do it. Because Cas was more than that, and he deserves to be remembered happy.

There’s one picture hidden in a folder of both of them on Dean’s bed – the most precarious position he can think of – with a laptop on Dean’s lap and a lot of pizza in their mouth, both of them staring exasperated but stupidly happy into the camera for what they both thought was a live stream to Sam when he was visiting Eileen, proof that they were actually having fun without him.

It was one of the rare times where Dean actually thought that he could be happy – not only that he  _was_ , but that there was  _potential_ in the future, for more than just fleeting thoughts of happiness – and it feels almost too intimate to show. He does it anyway because what more is a picture when you already bare your soul, right?

And when she tells him to close his eyes, he does.

“Hello, Dean,” a deep says and Dean opens his eyes to see Cas smiling at him fondly. It’s like a punch in the face, right in the nose, where you feel like you can’t breathe and exist at the same time because it’s all  _too much_.

“You can tell me everything you want. Everything you need. I’m there for you.”

He gulps. The offer is tempting and he can almost overlook the fact that these aren’t his clothes, that the way he tilts his head is wrong, but – still, something is holding him back.

“No, I – I can’t. I can’t tell you. I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, trying to get rid of the teary fog that is clouding his sight.

“It’s okay,” Cas says soothingly, but it isn’t. It isn’t Cas.

“I have to – I have to tell it  _Cas_. Him or no one else.”

Mia’s shifting back almost in an instant – or maybe he’s just too far gone to care – and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Dean, he’s dead,” she whispers.

“Yeah, he is,” Dean says. “But that doesn’t – he doesn’t have to stay dead. He came back before. He came back to me. He always finds his way back to… to me.”

He stands up from the couch. “I just have to believe. In something. In him. Cas. I always did. And if I did before, I can do it now. So I either tell him or I tell no one. It’s him or no one. For years. Jesus. I was an idiot, I am a fucking idiot, but I’m not going to ruin this. I’m sorry. I need to go.”

“It’s alright,” she says, swiftly standing up too before embracing him in a warm hug. “Do whatever is best for you. And believe he’ll come back – it can happen, right? Hell, I know nothing about this stuff but you and your brother seem to be very well versed in this kind of thing.”

“We are.”

 

 

_Cas,_

_If you ever come back, I’m here._

 

It’s a hastily scribbled note on a small paper he found in the Impala, not a fancy journal, but it’s enough. He can believe. He  _wants_  to.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com/)  
> [reblobbable version](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com/post/167074310498/spn-13x04-coda)


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